Bellatrix Lestrange's Handy Guide To Muggle Stuff
by GoesKaboom
Summary: Bellatrix Lestrange discovers the many uses of random Muggle things. Will someone PLEASE take that dynamite away from her? Originally a oneshot called Muggle Explody Things, now a collection of loosely-related oneshots. Complete crack.
1. Muggle Explody Things

**Note: When you look at the facts, it becomes quite clear that I cannot possibly have written _Harry Potter_. For one thing, I'm not British. For another, I'm completely broke and live in a lousy college dormitory, not a rich woman in a nice house in the UK. I've also never been to the UK, which also complicates things. So it is not possible for me to be JK Rowling. Sorry, all you disappointed people. **

**Warnings: Total crack, language**

_Muggle Explody Things_

Being a good pure-blood witch, Bellatrix Lestrange never really cared about Muggle stuff (well, unless she was blowing it up. That shit was just fun). Although she wasn't stupid, not after she' d accidentally got in the way of that thing Dolohov called a "truck," something Muggles used to move things around in. She knew that some Muggle things were extremely painful if utilized in the right way, but it still wasn't worth lowering herself to use them, anyway.

At least, that's what she thought until she came across something extremely interesting on a Death Eater raid. That night, Voldemort had decided to attack a Muggle coal mine, planning to kill all the Muggles in it. Unfortunately, said Dark Lord made one rather big miscalculation: there were no Muggles in it. Apparently, they went home before 10:00 PM. Who knew?

"Well, this sucks," Lucius Malfoy complained. "What are we supposed to do now? I thought there would at least be a _few _Muggles around to torture!"

"I guess they all went home?" Crabbe suggested. Decima Bightley, another female Death Eater, looked at the both of them as though they were the stupidest people she'd ever had the misfortune of interacting with.

"Did you _honestly_ think that the Muggles would be at work this time of night? Do _you_ work this late at night, usually? And I'm not talking about this job- what about your cover job? I kind of doubt it, unless you're an on-call Healer at St. Mungo's. And I know that neither of you are." Lucius looked grumpy.

"I wasn't the one who suggested this raid" he groused. "It was the Dark Lord's idea!"

"At 10:00 at night?" Decima retorted. "I kind of doubt that, he would be a really shitty Dark Lord if he decided to do raids on Muggle workplaces at night, especially places where there's very little chance a Muggle would be there." Dolohov rolled his eyes. The way this team fought, it was a wonder that anything ever got done.

"Why don't we just go the pub?" he suggested. And then he noticed something. "Where's Bellatrix?" Everyone looked around quickly, and indeed, the psychotic woman was nowhere to be found.

"...Shit," Bightley muttered under her breath. "The last time she disappeared like this, she accidentally Porkeyed herself to Tijuana for a week."

But, unfortunately for the Light and the Muggle World, Bellatrix Lestrange had not ended up in Tijuana this time. Instead, she was inspecting a crate full of weird red candle-things that had been left near the entrance to the mine. They were different from any candles she had ever seen before, though. They were rather fat, and had ridiculously long wicks. Still, they would provide a lot of light assuming that they actually were candles... maybe she'd take a few with her.

"Oh wait, she's over there!" she heard Lucius Malfoy yell. The rest of the team ran over to her.

"What did you find?" Alecto asked. Dolohov shrugged.

"Weird candles you got there, Bellatrix." Decima Bightley shook her head.

"It's not candles, you idiot, it's dynamite! Muggles use it to blow things up, like the Reducto curse, only not, since they have no magic. Although it's not like they use it for anything useful... usually they use it trying to catch talking rabbits that like to eat carrots, or birds that beep when they run. I learned it from the fellytision!"

"What's a fellytision?" Lucius Malfoy asked curiously.

"It's a weird box that has moving pictures and sound in it," the woman replied. "Muggles like to watch it."

"I didn't know Muggles had moving pictures" Dolohov sounded impressed. Decima shrugged.

"Eh, it's not that cool. It's just kind of... there." Bellatrix was looking at the dynamite with renewed interest.

"So this blows up? With fire?"

"Yeah..." Decima replied. Bellatrix's eyes gleamed with the kind of psychosis one usually sees in only the most dangerous serial killers. Which, technically, she was, but hey, who's counting here?

"MINE!" she roared, grabbing the crate of dynamite and hugging it tightly. "MINEMINEMINEMINE!"

"Bella," Lucius said carefully. "We have magic. We don't need Muggle explody things."

"But I _want_ it!" the crazed woman whined, clinging even tighter to the box. "Do you really think Dumbledore and the other blood-traitors will be expecting us to use Muggle weapons? No, they'll think we're going to come at them with magic! We'll have the element of surprise on our side! Besides, I want to see how this stuff explodes!"

The others had to admit, Bellatrix did have a point... the Light would never expect the Dark Lord's followers to employ Muggle technology against them, and wouldn't have a way thought out to defend against it."

"Alright, fine, take the stupid dynamite," Lucius groused. "But for fuck's sake, woman, don't let the Dark Lord know you have it!"

* * *

_Three Months Later, attack on the Order _

"What the hell is going on?" Bill Weasely yelled, dodging the debris that came crashing down as a building collapsed around them. "Why isn't anything working?"

"They've got some sort of weird spell that takes out everything in the immediate area!" Mad-Eye Moody screamed back. "I've never seen anything like it!" He was about to say something more, but ended up having to dodge more collapsing concrete. Tonks, on the other hand, looked about as thoughtful as one can in a war zone.

"I don't think it's magic, actually. I think it's dynamite."

"DYNAMITE! WHO HAS DYNAMITE?" a Muggle-born wizard fighting on the side of the Order said. "No one uses dynamite!"

"Apparently they do..." Tonks said darkly, watching as yet another building came down. Bellatrix stood off to the side, levitating and lighting the explosives with her wand.

"Kyahahahahahahaha!" she laughed psychotically. "This is almost more fun than blowing things up by magic!"

END

Author's Comments:

Just something written to kill some time while waiting for the holidays. It's completely, unabashedly, ridiculous. And I love it.

Somehow I think Bellatrix would like explosives, even if they're not magical. She just seems to be the type who'd like to blow things up for the hell of it and wouldn't think twice about it.

-Kaboom


	2. Muggle Rampage Box

Muggle Rampage Box

Once again, on a raid, Bellatrix Lestrange had found something else interesting. The acne-riddled Muggle teenager she'd just killed had been holding some kind of weird polygonal device while he looked at a flat paneled screen mounted on wall. Big glowing letters showed up on the screen, reading "GAME OVER."

"What are you looking at, Bellatrix?" Lucius Malfoy asked curiously, noticing that his sister-in-law was transfixed by the device.

"This... thing," came the woman's reply. She didn't have any words in her vocabulary to accurately describe what she was looking at. "I don't know what it is, but that guy seemed more focused on it than me, and I was the one who killed him!"

"Most people don't expect to be ambushed, Bellatrix," Lucius replied as neutrally as he could. Bellatrix shrugged.

"Still, you'd think he'd at least have the decency to look at his murderer. Whatever. I guess it was _really_ interesting." She looked pensive for a second, then yelled out, "BIGHTLEY! GET IN HERE!" Decima Bightley, another member of the raid team, poked her head into the room.

"Did you get bitten by a Chihuahua again?" she asked sarcastically, referencing the last raid they'd gone on, where the Muggle family's tiny pet dog decided to show the courage of a pit bull and attempt to take Bellatrix down. It had almost succeeded as well, as Bellatrix had not been expecting to have a small creature attempt to chew her nose off. To be fair to her, though, that was one hardcore Chihuahua. It had taken Bightley, both Carrow siblings, and Lucius to finally kill the damn thing. Bellatrix just glared, though.

"You know about Muggle shit! Tell me what this thing is!" Sighing, Bightley walked over to where Bellatrix was standing and inspected the thing in front of her.

"That's a game console. Muggles shoot things on the television screen with them. Only they're not really shooting things, it's like a game," she explained. "Some Muggles think they can cause addiction and make people want to go on murderous rampages."

"Oooh! Can I have it? Can I have it? I like murderous rampages!"

"Bellatrix," Rodolphus sighed. "You can't have it. It's not yours."

"That didn;t stop us from taking the jewelry and silverware from the last house we raided!" Bellatrix shot back at her husband. "Why can't I have the Muggle rampage box?"

"Because we have a use for jewelry and silverware," Rodolphus explained as patiently as he could. "We don't have a use for the Muggle rampage box. And what do you think our Lord would say, you messing around with some dirty Muggle contraption?" Bellatrix looked thoughtful for a bit, then her face lit up, the way it did when she had a (usually really bad) idea.

"Why don't I ask him myself?" she suggested, and before anyone had a chance to stop her, the psychotic woman rolled up her robe sleeve, and pressed her wand to the Dark Mark on her upper arm. Almost instantly, Lord Voldemort himself appeared in the Muggle living room, and stepped over the now-deceased teenager.

"What is this about, Bellatrix?" he asked. "I know you wouldn't call me unless it was something important, so tell me what's going on." Rodolphus, Lucius, and Decima winced. The Dark Lord was usually very tolerant of Bellatrix's craziness, but they doubted that his tolerance would extend towards the woman wanting to keep some random Muggle crap that they had no use for. Bellatrix didn't see it that way, though.

"They won't let me keep the Muggle rampage box, and I want it! I want it I want it I want it!"

"What the hell is a Muggle rampage box?" Voldemort asked, more curious than anything else.

"That Muggle I killed was playing with it. You hook it up to that screen thing and you use the box to control the little people in it. They use those metal wands that Muggles use to kill each other and swords and stuff to attack! It looks really fun, and Bightley explained it to me! But now Rodolphus says I can't have it because you wouldn't like it. Tell him I can have it!" Bellatrix was beginning to sound like a whiny child rather than a deranged psychopath of a witch, but Voldemort didn't seem to think so.

"For something made by Muggles, it sounds surprisingly useful. It would be good for days that we don't raid, anyway, keep everyone in top performance. Yes, you can have your Muggle rampage box. Lucius! That screen thing looks heavy, carry it for her."

"But my lord, can't we just use a lightening charm on it? We _are_ wizards." Voldemort looked mollified for a split-second, then turned his wand on the blonde man.

"_Crucio."_ he said. Lucius screamed in pain, writhing and twisting on the ground as Decima, Bellatrix, and Rodolphus looked on in sympathy. "Of course I knew we could use a lightening charm on it, do you think I'm stupid? I'd expect you to do that anyway! You're a wizard! Act like one!" The Dark Lord moved his wand away, and a panting, gasping Lucius got to his feet.

"Right."

It turned out that taking the game console with them was one of the best ideas Bellatrix had ever had. Voldemort was quite fond of it. One game, called Zombie Infection Outbreak IV, was a personal favorite of his. He liked blasting the undead with a shotgun. "I have _got_ to get one of these!" he had said on more than one occasion. "I don't care if it's made by Muggles, something that has that much power is something I want to have!"

Bellatrix, on the other hamd, and much to everyone's consternation and fear, seemed to take a liking to a game called Pretty Pony Express. She would spend hours grooming her pixellated pink horse she named Zetsubou. No one dared to comment on how disturbing it was that she had named her horse "Despair" and that the official maniac of the Death Eaters was playing a girly horse-game in the first place.

No one really wanted to be on the end of one of Bellatrix's Cruciatus curses for speaking against her new favorite hobby.

END

Author's Comments:

Yeah. This is really stupid, yet I found it hilarious. It's also because of this that I've decided to turn _Muggle Explody Things _into _Bellatrix Lestrange's Handy Guide to Muggle Stuff_, a collection of oneshots, so it's not just about dynamite anymore.

I was half asleep when I came up with the idea for this particular segment, and found the idea of Bellatrix and Voldemort playing video games to be the funniest fucking thing ever. Don't ask me why. I have no idea either. The title comes from some article in a magazine my mom used to get that went on and on about how video games were turning teenagers into mindless killers just waiting to go on the rampage. It's been a while since I saw the article in question, but I'm pretty sure they used the term "rampage box" in there somewhere. Oh well. Thanks for reading this incredibly stupid fic.

-Kaboom


	3. Muggle Reading Material

Muggle Reading Material

**Warning: this chapter contains moderate sexual content in a humorous context. I personally don't think it's more than a PG-13 rating, but if you are easily offended I suggest skipping this one. **

Lord Voldemort had a problem.

For the past several days, his female Death Eaters had been doing nothing but lounging around, reading some books. And they weren't even Wizarding books, they were Muggle books! Even Bellatrix had fallen prey to the seductive trap of the text, which made the Dark Lord wonder if they were _really_ non-magical. He even did a test for traces of magic on them, but there was nothing. And even more disturbing to him was the fact that it was altering their behavior.

It started when Alecto Carrow came back with a bag of books. She wouldn't say where she'd gotten them, all she said was that they had to read it. She'd handed both Bellatrix and Decima each a copy of a book called _Nightlight. _"It's amazing!" she'd exclaimed. "It's about this Muggle girl named Belva and she moves to go live with her dad in the middle of nowhere in America. She meets this vampire named Edwin and they fall in love, but there's a werewolf named Jason who wants her for himself, and the vampires and werewolves fight! And there's a psychotic vampire woman who wants to kill Belva! It's great, you _have_ to read it." Both of the other women looked suspiciously at the books.

"I don't know..." Decima said. "It sounds... kind of stupid, actually."

"Why should I care about some Muggle girl who falls in love? Muggles in love are disgusting. And what kind of vampire would even fall in love? Vampires don't love! They're not capable of it!"

"Will you get over your failed affair with Damu already?" Alecto snorted, referencing a time three years ago, when Bellatrix had met a vampire and thought she loved him. She had cheated on Rodolphus with him, even planned to divorce him for her new vampire beau, but the affair had fallen through when Bellatrix had discovered that he'd been after one thing only. "No, he didn't love you and just wanted your blood. Get over it."

"I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME!" Bellatrix raged.

"Just get over it and read the book, OK!" Alecto yelled. Huffing, Bellatrix took the book and stomped off to her room to read.

Four hours later, she hadn't come out. And Rabastan Lestrange found out the hard way that approaching Decima while she was reading would result in him getting hit by a very painful Stinging Hex. Even Narcissa Malfoy had gotten in on it, having been given a copy by Alecto as well.

The next day, for the first time since she'd been given the book, Bellatrix exploded from her room with the force of a Category 5 hurricane, accosting a frightened Alecto on the stairs. "THAT. WAS. AMAZING. GIVE ME THE NEXT BOOK. NOW!" It took Alecto a minute to realize that the psychotic woman was referring to _Nightlight,_ and that she wanted the next book in the series.

"Here," she said, handing over an equally thick book entitled _Full Moon. _"So, you liked it, huh? What did I say? For a Muggle book, it's surprisingly interesting."

"Yeah," Bellatrix agreed, already opening her new book. "I wish Rodolphus was more like Edwin, you know? Edwin is so romantic. Rodolphus's idea of being romantic is saying to me, 'Hey, let's get it on.' I mean, would it kill him to give me a bit more romance? Champagne and strawberries aren't that expensive, you know!"

"Indeed," Decima said, looming up behind the other two women. "And Jason is so much classier than Fenrir, you know? Reading this, I can't help but think that if werewolves acted more like Jason they'd be a lot more accepted in society. Although the Muggle who wrote the book doesn't know a whole lot about werewolves... the whole changing when they're angry thing doesn't work in reality, does it?"

"Do I look like a werewolf to you?" Alecto replied. Bellatrix looked pensive.

"Although I don't understand why they didn't just lay a trap for Veronica. All they would have to do is put Belva out in the woods with the werewolves and the other vampires lurking behind a tree or something," she mused. "When she showed up to kill her, they'd just have to jump her all at once. Then they could kill her, and Belva and Edwin would be free to continue their star-crossed romance! Oh, it's so romantic!"

"You're Team Edwin, then, huh?" Decima asked, a hint of derision coloring her tone. "How can you support them? Edwin is a creepy stalker. If some guy was watching me while I was asleep I'd hit him with an Avada Kedavra when I found out! No, a nice sweet guy like Jason is so much better!"

"Yeah, and that's exactly why you can't get a man!" Bellatrix taunted. "With an attitude like that, no one is ever going to want to sleep with you!"

"At least I'm not a tart like you," Decima shot back. "I know all about your feelings for the Dark Lord. And then that whole fiasco with Damu, and I know about the time with Rabastan! A slag like you wouldn't understand the first thing about true love, you'll just fuck anything that moves!"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE. And besides, I'm not the one with the magical vibrator!"

"That's not mine! My old roommate left that there before she got killed!"

"Sure..."

Unbeknownst to the three women, Lord Voldemort had heard the entire conversation, and to be honest, was completely disturbed. Bellatrix had amorous feelings for him? And here he'd thought that she was just _really_ loyal. He'd known about the Damu Incident, of course, but he had no idea that she'd cheated before, or again. And with _Rabastan? _The Dark Lord decided that he was going to have a little chat with his most faithful supporter about her behavior. And maybe he'd talk to Rodolphus as well... he should probably know about his wife's shenanigans. Maybe he'd suggest taking her out to a nice dinner or getting her some pretty jewelry or something. Lord Voldemort didn't know a whole lot about women, but as far as he was concerned, they'd only cheat on their partners if they weren't feeling loved. He'd read some psychology book on it long ago.

In the end, Roldolphus, Lucius, and Amycus had to separate the three women before they blasted each other through the roof in their fight over who was better for Belva. Rodolphus got hit with a curse that made his eyebrows grow to insane lengths (courtesy of Alecto), and Lucius ended up with some serious zits after getting in the way of an Acne Curse from Decima.

"TEAM EDWIN ALL THE WAY!" Bellatrix screamed as she was dragged off by her husband, who had every intention of forcing his crazy wife to take a Calming Draught before she ended up blowing up Death Eater headquarters in a rage.

"STALKER SLAG!" Decima yelled back, fighting tooth-and-nail against Lucius's restraints.

"Why are you dragging me away?" Alecto asked her brother furiously. "I'M not the one with the problem here! They're the ones with the problem! I was trying to calm them down!"

"Yeah, and you made Lestrange's eyebrows grow exponentially. You're getting out of here before you cause any more damage," Amycus retorted.

It was after that incident that the Dark Lord banned all Muggle reading material from being read by his followers. If a book could start off a feud between some of his most loyal supporters, he'd be afraid to see what _more_ books could do!

END

* * *

Yes, this is a parody of crazy Twilight fangirls, fighting over which pairing is best. Only this time it's a lot more deadly.


	4. Muggle Scary Online Content

Muggle Scary Online Content

**Warning: This chapter probably could be rated M, but because the rest of the story is not, I am leaving the overall rating as T. In this chapter, our favorite psychopath discovers a certain kind of art form involving tentacles. It's not graphic, but if this bothers you, please don't read this chapter. **

Rabastan Lestrange was eagerly awaiting a package, and he wouldn't stop talking about it. He went on and on to anyone who would listen to him about it. Ever since Hogwarts, he'd been communicating via owl post with a wizard from America, and a witch from Japan, and they filled his head with all kinds of stories about how things worked over there. Apparently, witches and wizards there didn't shun Muggle technology, just adapting it to fit their needs. One of the big trends in both countries was this thing called a "computer," which could connect to something called the "Internet." Computers could apparently run things called "programs," too, which did all kinds of amazing things.

"Fletcher says that once you get a computer there's no more need for books! You just look things up on the Internet! He says it's really convenient too, because there's all kinds of spells from other countries and things in these databases, and even if they're not in English you don't have to worry because the Internet translates it for you!" he rambled on to Decima and Bellatrix, who were only half-listening. "And Mitsuki said she'd send us a bunch of things on a "flash drive" that we might like, at least, I think so. I don't understand some of the things she says, maybe it's the translation spell."

"Mitsuki is creepy," Bellatrix interrupted. "Remember when she came for a visit and she kept trying to hit on Lucius? Even though Narcissa was standing right there? And it wasn't normal, she looked like she wanted to eat him rather than screw him! I'm not touching anything that woman sends, it's probably cursed!"

"Whatever," Rabastan replied. "Anyway, it doesn't matter! I'm getting my computer and nothing can stop me!" Decima looked skeptical, however.

"Won't it fry, though? With the magic around here?"

"That's the best part!" Rabastan exclaimed. "Fletcher put this spell on it that makes it so it is immune to the magical residue floating around! It will work just fine! And he also is sending instuctions for a spell to connect it to the Internet without an ISP, whatever that is."

* * *

Three days later, six exhausted-looking owl arrived carrying a rather large box. Rabastan eagerly tore it open, removing a flat rectangular thing. "That's it?" Rodolphus asked. "The way you were going on about this thing I expected it to be more impressive." Rabastan rolled his eyes and opened the rectangle up, revealing a screen and a flat thing with buttons on it, each button containing letters, numbers, and symbols. There was a letter tucked in there, explaining how to set it up. Rabastan eagerly performed the spells listed, and then pushed a button on it. Immediately, the screen lit up, and the gathered Death Eaters jumped back in terror.

"Is it... supposed to do that?" Rodolphus asked almost nervously, while his wife had drawn her wand and was pointing it at the computer. Rabastan rolled his eyes.

"Oh for the love of- Bellatrix, put that damn thing away before you accidentally transfigure something again. And yes, it's supposed to 'do that.' It's called 'booting up.'" Slowly, Bellatrix lowered her wand, but still glared distrustfully at the machine. Her brother-in-law cast a few more spells, and then he declared that the computer was ready to use.

"So, how do we work this thing?" Rodolphus asked, getting curious in spite of himself. Rabastan explained that if you wanted to go to the Internet you had to click on the little picture that looked like a lowercase "E." Which he did, opening up to a page called "Google."

"You type in what you want to look for into this box here," Rabastan explained. "What do you feel like searching for?"

"The Dark Lord!" Bellatrix exclaimed. "Let's see if this Internet thing is really so awesome after all!" Rabastan did as instructed, and several million results showed up. The first few were news results of a computer virus called "the Dark Lord," so that wasn't very interesting to them. The next one was of some weird Muggle convention where they elected a Dark Lord and a Dark Lady to represent them. Again, nothing interesting, although Bellatrix did take note of where and when that convention took place... she couldn't have some Muggles calling themselves "the Dark Lord."

Then, _it_ came up. A website called _See the Dark Lord Voldemort in his most private moments! _Bellatrix's eyes widened almost comically, before she snatched the mouse from Rabastan's hand and clicked ferociously on the link. The page loaded, and there was a collective gasp.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Rabastan yelled,

"AAAAARGH. MY EYES!" Rodolphus screeched, covering them with his hands. "Why would you _do_ that? Why would _anyone_ draw that?" Bellatrix scanned the screen, smirking slightly.

"I always knew the Dark Lord was into the kinky stuff," she replied. "Although I must admit, I'm a bit surprised he'd get into it with the Giant Squid, especially with him on bottom. Although I must say that's an inventive use for tentacles."

"What the fuck, Bellatrix?" Rodolphus moaned. "Seriously. What the fuck?"

"You do realize it's just a drawing, right?" Rabastan asked nervously.

"Oh, of course!" Bellatrix replied. "I'm not stupid, Rabastan. I just think it's rather well done. Of course the creator will have to die for defaming the Dark Lord in such a way, but still. Maybe before I kill him or her I could get them to draw me something else! Hey, can I borrow this computer?"

"Take it, take it, take it, I have to go use the Pensieve to get that image out of my mind!" her brother-in-law said. "And then I'm going to owl both of them back and yell at them! Why didn't they warn me about that thing?" Giggling psychotically, Bellatrix snatched the computer and ran off.

Three hours later, Rodolphus walked into the living room, only to see his wife, Alecto Carrow, Decima Bightley, and Narcissa Malfoy crowded around the computer screen, all three of them giggling like they were back in their first year at Hogwarts. "Some of this Muggle stuff is definitely worth keeping!" Alecto chirped, her voice nearly an octave higher than usual. "These women, can we keep them alive please? I'm not going to be able to live without this sort of thing anymore! If I ever want to get off again I'm going to need more!"

"Of course!" Decima yelled. "In fact, take down the usernames of these Muggles! And write down the names of the women who drew these comics!"

"Oh, Lucius would be so disgusted with me if he saw these," Narcissa giggled. "That's why he can never find out about it! Oh, I wonder where I can get a computer for my own?"

"You can order them on another computer!" Bellatrix exclaimed proudly.

Rodolphus inched carefully towards the computer screen, hoping to avoid being noticed by any of the women. He really shouldn't- he knew it was going to end in despair, but he _really_ wanted to see what the hell his wife was looking at, and corrupting her friends with! He peeked over Decima's head, only to _really_ wish he hadn't. The women thought _this_ was attractive? The website they were on was filled with nothing but pictures of guys getting fucked by tentacle monsters. A lot of them looked really feminine, too, and could have passed for women if they hadn't been so flat-chested.

Suddenly feeling very uncomfortable, he turned and sneaked out of the room, hoping that none of the women would notice him. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Narcissa saw him trying to sneak out, and called out to him. "Oh! Rodolphus! You simply _must_ come see this wonderful Internet thing! Who knew Muggles could _actually_ be useful for something?" Bellatrix laughed loudly.

"Oh, Cissy, you don't know how he reacted earlier today! Trust me, showing him _this_ might kill him!" All four women laughed, and the man hurriedly scuttled out of the room, nearly knocking over Lucius and Amycus in the process.

"Watch where you're going!" Lucius yelled, irritably. "I could have fallen!"

"Seriously, you might want to go get your wife away from mine," Rodolphus muttered. "Amycus, do you think you can control your sister?"

"Why?" Lucius asked suspiciously at the exact same time that Amycus said,

"Alecto is an adult, why should I have to control her?"

"Trust me. Just get them away from that computer, but don't look at the screen." Rodolphus shuddered. "Damn Rabastan and his stupid computer!"

END

* * *

I don't know, I thought Bellatrix would find tentacle yaoi hilarious.


	5. Muggle Cooking Instructions

Muggle Cooking Instructions

"Remind me again why we're doing this?" Lucius Malfoy asked irritably, glaring around the small kitchen Lord Voldemort had conjured up. "We're wizards. Can't we just get the house-elves to do it? And who decided that poisoning Potter with cookies was a good idea?"

"I did!" Bellatrix exclaimed, pointing her wand threateningly at her brother-in-law. "Everything else has failed, but you know what _won't_ fail? Cookies! Everyone likes cookies, even Our Lord. We'll owl the cookies to Potter, making it seem like it's from my cousin, and then he'll eat them! The poison will do its job, and he'll finally be out of our hair!" Rodolphus blinked at his wife.

"Our Lord likes cookies?"

"_Everyone_ likes cookies," Bellatrix reiterated. Lucius sighed.

"Alright, I can sort of understand the logic behind the cookies," he said. "But why in the world do we have to do it the _Muggle_ way? Can't we just use magic?" Bellatrix shook her head.

"Are you stupid?" she snorted. "Magic leaves a trace, and I'm sure that the Hogwarts staff will be able to pick up on our residual magic. If we make them the Muggle way, then no one will be able to tell it was us!"

Lucius and Rodolphus had to admit, the crazy woman had a point. But somehow they doubted this was going to work, either. "Uh... Bellatrix? Do you even know how to bake?" Rodolphus asked, realizing he'd never even seen his wife boil water, even with magic, much less do anything culinary the Muggle way. The woman shrugged.

"How hard can it be? Muggles do it all the time, and if _they_ can do it, then pure-blood wizards like us should be able to do it even better!" Rodolphus sighed.

"Do we even have a recipe?" he asked. "Because I don't know the first thing about making cookies."

"Of course, do you think I'm stupid?" Bellatrix retorted. "I used Rabastan's computer-box to get a recipe off the Internet!" Both men shuddered at the mention of the computer. Neither had forgotten the horror they'd encountered online, and neither was particularly pleased to have it returned to their conscious. Bellatrix caught sight of their faces, and groaned. "Are you two still scared of the Internet? That's stupid, it has a lot of other uses other than Muggle drawings! There's this thing called 'email' that lets me contact Alecto, Decima, and Narcissa without using an owl! Imagine that!"

"That's nice, Bellatrix," Lucius replied. "But are you sure that's an actual recipe you have?"

"Obviously," Bellatrix answered, looking at Lucius as though he was an idiot. "It has ingredients and everything!"

"Alright, alright, no need to yell," the blonde man muttered, casting a slightly nervous glance at his sister-in-law. Bellatrix picked up the piece of paper, and read off of it.

"Let's see..." she began. "We're going to need a cup of butter, a cup of sugar, an egg, 2 and 2/3 cups of flour, 1/4 teaspoon salt, and two teaspoons of vanilla extract." She wrinkled her nose. "Yuck. Who puts salt in cookies? Feefee!" she ordered, calling for one of the house-elves that Voldemort kept on hand. The elf popped into the kitchen, nervously regarding the three wizards in front of her.

"Mistress Bellatrix called for Feefee?" she asked, steeling herself for whatever happened next, frightened that she'd done something to piss the psychotic woman off, or that she was just bored. Bellatrix had a habit of torturing the house-elves when she had nothing better to do. But the woman surprised her by asking a question, in a relatively polite, calm manner.

"Feefee, you make the best cookies out of all the other elves. Why does the recipe say that we need to put salt in the dough?" she asked, practically amiably.

"Salt brings out the flavors of the other ingredients, Mistress," the elf replied. "Cookies is good without it, but the salt makes cookies great." The elf had no idea why the wizards were trying to cook- that was her job, and the job of the other elves. Even weirder, none of them had their wands with them, she realized a bit belatedly. Bellatrix nodded.

"So it's like adding mint to a potion to make it taste better," she mused. "That makes sense. You may go." Feefee breathed a barely audible sigh of relief, before disappearing with a loud crack. Bellatrix read more from the recipe. "OK, so you are to 'cream together the butter and white sugar in a bowl.' Huh. It doesn't say anything about cream in the ingredients list, but OK." So, she picked up the butter, and the sugar, and dumped it into a bowl, then poured a good amount of cream onto it. The butter and sugar and cream just sat there, not being mixed at all. It certainly didn't look anything like cookie dough.

"Maybe you have to mix it?" Rodolphus suggested. Bellatrix nodded.

"Good idea." She picked up a large wooden spoon, and began to mix it together. The butter and sugar dissolved into the cream, leaving a slightly denser, but still very creamy liquid behind.

"That... really doesn't look like cookie dough," Lucius remarked, earning a whack on the head from Bellatrix's spoon.

"Obviously. I haven't added the rest of the ingredients yet!" she groused. "And it says, beat in the egg, and stir in the vanilla. Hm. Weird. Eggs have shells. Maybe it gets baked out?" Shrugging her shoulders at the weird instructions, Bellatrix tossed a whole egg, shell and all, into the mixture before stirring it violently with her spoon. Of course she broke the egg, and the shell was mixed in with everything else.

"I don't know if it's supposed to be like that," Rodolphus muttered, glancing at the mix. Bellatrix ignored him, and dumped the vanilla extract into the batter, and stirred that in.

"OK, so now it says I have to combine the flour and salt and put it in the mixture," she said, ignoring her husband. She did just that, and the result ended up being that the mix started looking more like cookie dough... really, really gross cookie dough.

"I... really don't think that's what it's supposed to look like," Rodolphus reiterated. Bellatrix snorted.

"It's Muggle food, of course it's not going to look like ours."

"No, I mean, that looks nasty, even for Muggles," her husband replied. Bellatrix snorted.

"You really don't know anything about Muggles, then. Potter will eat these, trust me. Now, it's time for the poison." She took a small vial of clear liquid out of the pocket of her robes, and dumped the contents into the dough. It was absorbed with a hissing sound.

"So it says here we bake it for ten minutes at 200 degrees," Bellatrix continued, then furrowed her brow. "What's a degree?"

"Good question," Lucius said. Rodolphus shrugged.

"Don't look at me, I don't even know anything about cooking the Wizarding way," he replied. Bellatrix sighed, muttering something about "useless husbands" under her breath, and stuck the cookies in the oven, turning the temperature up as far as it would go.

Ten minutes later, she took them out of the oven, and set them on a plate. They were still rather runny and undercooked, and gave off the odor of cheap beer mixed with the kind of public toilet no one seems to clean. Bellatrix, Rodolphus, and Lucius all started coughing when the foul-smelling smoke hit their nostrils.

"I... I don't think... even... Muggles... would eat this shit," Rodolphus coughed.

"Oh god... it smells worse than the time Narcissa's perfume fell in the cauldron of Pepperup Potion I was making when I had a cold!" Lucius groaned. Even Bellatrix had to admit defeat.

"Even Potter isn't stupid enough to eat these..." she sighed. "Back to planning, I guess."

END


End file.
